Rock and Roll never die: My glam favorites

As much as I love wigger slam, glam might be my second favorite genre of metal. When I was 20 or so, I had a glam phase that lasted a few years and I got pretty into this stuff, and I still jam it on the regular. The way I see, there are two kinds of glam: the harder-edged, less melodic stuff like, say Whitesnake, Bulletboys or Hurricane, and the super poppy, bubblegum style as popularized by Poison- basically the Archies with big hair. I definitely prefer the bubblegum side of things, although I'll put on some Badlands now and then for a change of pace.

Anyhow, here are a few of my favorites- I'll skip the obvious stuff like Crue, Kix, and 18 Visions. Some of you fossils know a lot of this stuff I'm sure, so please chime in with your favorites! Also, did you ever notice that Mark McGrath is wearing a Circle Jerks shirt at the beginning of the video for "Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray? I love that song.

PBF then...

...and now. Which is worse? You be the judge.

Pretty Boy Floyd
Let's start with the best. In my opinion PBF were the finest of all the glam bands, but they came just a bit too late to make it. They essentially took the Poison formula and, like Boyz II Men, smoothed it out on the pop tip and perfected the bubblegum glam style. In much the same way as the Japanese are the masters of taking some Western idea, hyper-stylizing it to the Nth degree, and spitting it back out, PBF were the absolute peak of huge hair, huge hooks, and awesome image. Unfortunately, they are still together, only they're all old and fat. And whatever you do, don't watch Kristy Majors' video for his solo stuff. It will make you cry and slit your wrists. 40 year old men aren't supposed to shop in the girls' section of Hot Topic (although I have to admit, the chorus is pretty fucking awesome). On the other hand, Steve Summers' post-PBF band Shameless were excellent and substantially less embarrassing.





Tuff
To me, Tuff were the ultimate poor man's Crue (along with Vain, but they weren't nearly as good). They tried so, so hard to make it, but just couldn't ever break out of the pages of Metal Edge and into the big time. It's probably because they were extremely generic and the singer looked like Jamie Presley, but they had their moments. Although they were best known for their single "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye," I love "All New Generation," in which they tell the story of rock and roll's evolution from Elvis to the in-your-face antics of today's outrageous glam bands. It's hard to believe, but in spite of their outrageous appearance, Tuff were just a bunch of hard working boys from Arizona that wanted to play rock and roll like their heros.



Vixen
Just so you guys know the ladies can fuckin' rock too!! In case you don't believe me, just put in a Vixen tape. They were the perfect blend of leather and lace: hot as shit, but just a little bit vulnerable too. They'd break your heart in a second, but if you could get past that tough exterior, you just might fall in love!! To me, they were like the cleaned up version of Lita Ford. Lita was the white trash chick down the street that would blow you on the first date if you drove a Firebird. She was super hot in an "open for business" kind of way, but not really that great looking and definitely not the kind of chick you'd want to bring home to mom and dad. Vixen, on the other hand, were edgy, but you could tell they were good girls underneath all that makeup and hair, and that they were only acting tough because they'd been hurt so many times- if you could just get through to them, they'd be true to you forever! Here is "The Edge of a Broken Heart," written by Richard Marx.



Vinnie Vincent
I worked at OfficeMax when I was 18 or something, and I met this guy who used to manage Vinnie Vincent. Needless to say, I asked him tons of retarded questions. He was cool and took it all in stride even though I'm sure I was incredibly annoying. Anyway, Vinnie was second only to Michael Angelo in terms of balls out shredding and looking like a transvestite prostitute. Mark Slaughter's vocals were the perfect complement to Vinnie's fretboard masturbation, although he really came into his own in Slaughter- if the chorus to "Fly To The Angels" doesn't put a lump in your throat, you're dead to me!! What a heartbreaking tribute to a fallen cherub!!



Nitro
Let's be perfectly clear: If you don't like Nitro, you're not my fucking friend. Obviously Nitro are completely ridiculous, but I 100% non-ironically love this band as Skullkrusher and Lucho Metales can attest to. They had the biggest hair, the highest screams, the fastest solos, and the sickest riffs. I can listen to "OFR" a million times in a row. Also, the liner notes and lyrics are priceless, like the note that admonishes "DRUGZ R 4 DUMBFUKKS, DON'T BE A DUMBFUKK." Everything about the band is totally absurd, but their songwriting is fucking awesome and the retarded lyrics just make me love them than much more.

For bonus laughs, check out drummer Bobby Rock's erotic stories and vegan bodybuilding tips. If there is a bigger tool on the face of the earth, I haven't come across him- Bobby Rock makes Vinnie Paul seems positively dignified.




Ugly Kid Joe
As many of you will surely know, UKJ's name is a parody of Pretty Boy Floyd. Now I know what you're thinking- UKJ aren't so much glam as just generic hard rock/lite metal. And you would be right, because as they say in my favorite song, "Whiplash Liquor," "We ain't glam and we ain't thrash, just suburban white alcoholic trash."

Required attire for listening to As Ugly As They Wanna Be

I am also guessing that out of all the hated bands I have posted in this blog, Ugly Kid Joe is perhaps the most hated and least credible. But your opinions mean nothing to me. If you don't like Ugly Kid Joe, you are a fool and should throw yourself on a sword because you obviously do not like to fucking party. You clearly love misery. Unlike you, I avoid misery, which is why I listen to Ugly Kid Joe, Scatterbrain, 311 and Sublime as much as possible.

Sometimes you just want to chillax, so you jam something fun like "America's Least Wanted" and it takes you back to the good old days of Stussy shirts, Baja jackets, and slap bass. It is like a time machine that will instantly transport you back to the days when you spent your after school hours hanging out behind a 7-11 or a gas station smoking pot, listening to the black album, and trying to slouch your Starter jacket in the raddest possible way. It's hard to find anything wrong with Ugly Kid Joe (as long as you forget about when Whitfield Crane joined Life of Agony).