Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Rock and Roll never die: My glam favorites

As much as I love wigger slam, glam might be my second favorite genre of metal. When I was 20 or so, I had a glam phase that lasted a few years and I got pretty into this stuff, and I still jam it on the regular. The way I see, there are two kinds of glam: the harder-edged, less melodic stuff like, say Whitesnake, Bulletboys or Hurricane, and the super poppy, bubblegum style as popularized by Poison- basically the Archies with big hair. I definitely prefer the bubblegum side of things, although I'll put on some Badlands now and then for a change of pace.

Anyhow, here are a few of my favorites- I'll skip the obvious stuff like Crue, Kix, and 18 Visions. Some of you fossils know a lot of this stuff I'm sure, so please chime in with your favorites! Also, did you ever notice that Mark McGrath is wearing a Circle Jerks shirt at the beginning of the video for "Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray? I love that song.

PBF then...

...and now. Which is worse? You be the judge.

Pretty Boy Floyd
Let's start with the best. In my opinion PBF were the finest of all the glam bands, but they came just a bit too late to make it. They essentially took the Poison formula and, like Boyz II Men, smoothed it out on the pop tip and perfected the bubblegum glam style. In much the same way as the Japanese are the masters of taking some Western idea, hyper-stylizing it to the Nth degree, and spitting it back out, PBF were the absolute peak of huge hair, huge hooks, and awesome image. Unfortunately, they are still together, only they're all old and fat. And whatever you do, don't watch Kristy Majors' video for his solo stuff. It will make you cry and slit your wrists. 40 year old men aren't supposed to shop in the girls' section of Hot Topic (although I have to admit, the chorus is pretty fucking awesome). On the other hand, Steve Summers' post-PBF band Shameless were excellent and substantially less embarrassing.

To me, Tuff were the ultimate poor man's Crue (along with Vain, but they weren't nearly as good). They tried so, so hard to make it, but just couldn't ever break out of the pages of Metal Edge and into the big time. It's probably because they were extremely generic and the singer looked like Jamie Presley, but they had their moments. Although they were best known for their single "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye," I love "All New Generation," in which they tell the story of rock and roll's evolution from Elvis to the in-your-face antics of today's outrageous glam bands. It's hard to believe, but in spite of their outrageous appearance, Tuff were just a bunch of hard working boys from Arizona that wanted to play rock and roll like their heros.

Just so you guys know the ladies can fuckin' rock too!! In case you don't believe me, just put in a Vixen tape. They were the perfect blend of leather and lace: hot as shit, but just a little bit vulnerable too. They'd break your heart in a second, but if you could get past that tough exterior, you just might fall in love!! To me, they were like the cleaned up version of Lita Ford. Lita was the white trash chick down the street that would blow you on the first date if you drove a Firebird. She was super hot in an "open for business" kind of way, but not really that great looking and definitely not the kind of chick you'd want to bring home to mom and dad. Vixen, on the other hand, were edgy, but you could tell they were good girls underneath all that makeup and hair, and that they were only acting tough because they'd been hurt so many times- if you could just get through to them, they'd be true to you forever! Here is "The Edge of a Broken Heart," written by Richard Marx.

Vinnie Vincent
I worked at OfficeMax when I was 18 or something, and I met this guy who used to manage Vinnie Vincent. Needless to say, I asked him tons of retarded questions. He was cool and took it all in stride even though I'm sure I was incredibly annoying. Anyway, Vinnie was second only to Michael Angelo in terms of balls out shredding and looking like a transvestite prostitute. Mark Slaughter's vocals were the perfect complement to Vinnie's fretboard masturbation, although he really came into his own in Slaughter- if the chorus to "Fly To The Angels" doesn't put a lump in your throat, you're dead to me!! What a heartbreaking tribute to a fallen cherub!!

Let's be perfectly clear: If you don't like Nitro, you're not my fucking friend. Obviously Nitro are completely ridiculous, but I 100% non-ironically love this band as Skullkrusher and Lucho Metales can attest to. They had the biggest hair, the highest screams, the fastest solos, and the sickest riffs. I can listen to "OFR" a million times in a row. Also, the liner notes and lyrics are priceless, like the note that admonishes "DRUGZ R 4 DUMBFUKKS, DON'T BE A DUMBFUKK." Everything about the band is totally absurd, but their songwriting is fucking awesome and the retarded lyrics just make me love them than much more.

For bonus laughs, check out drummer Bobby Rock's erotic stories and vegan bodybuilding tips. If there is a bigger tool on the face of the earth, I haven't come across him- Bobby Rock makes Vinnie Paul seems positively dignified.

Ugly Kid Joe
As many of you will surely know, UKJ's name is a parody of Pretty Boy Floyd. Now I know what you're thinking- UKJ aren't so much glam as just generic hard rock/lite metal. And you would be right, because as they say in my favorite song, "Whiplash Liquor," "We ain't glam and we ain't thrash, just suburban white alcoholic trash."

Required attire for listening to As Ugly As They Wanna Be

I am also guessing that out of all the hated bands I have posted in this blog, Ugly Kid Joe is perhaps the most hated and least credible. But your opinions mean nothing to me. If you don't like Ugly Kid Joe, you are a fool and should throw yourself on a sword because you obviously do not like to fucking party. You clearly love misery. Unlike you, I avoid misery, which is why I listen to Ugly Kid Joe, Scatterbrain, 311 and Sublime as much as possible.

Sometimes you just want to chillax, so you jam something fun like "America's Least Wanted" and it takes you back to the good old days of Stussy shirts, Baja jackets, and slap bass. It is like a time machine that will instantly transport you back to the days when you spent your after school hours hanging out behind a 7-11 or a gas station smoking pot, listening to the black album, and trying to slouch your Starter jacket in the raddest possible way. It's hard to find anything wrong with Ugly Kid Joe (as long as you forget about when Whitfield Crane joined Life of Agony).


  1. I was in Belaga about 2 weeks ago (look it up on Google maps - it's in the middle of fucking nowhere in Malaysian Borneo) and one of the local guys in the tour office I was visiting put "Everything About You" on the computer. And knew every word.

    I gave him all the MP3s off my PSP.

    And you missed out Tigertailz. Big hair, lipstick, cheezy pop rock... and from Wales. They were pretty good when they went a bit "heavier" and became Wazbones, too.

    The first single I ever bought was "Love Bomb Baby" by them. And I still love their little logo - a cute ickle tiger sticking it's middle finger up.

  2. dude, i was going to write about Tigertailz but decided it was too obscure. they were great!

  3. Tigertailz was big in British Metal Hammer for a while around the release of "Bezerk," I remember. Unrelated to THAT, Ugly kid Joe fucking still rule, my shitty old band covered Everything about you as late as 2002 or so.

    I haven't heard Nitro before, but I'm absolutely loving this track you posted. Excellent shit. I have just about zero tolerance for irony in relation to metal (I still listen to White Lion with a straight face) so I ain't kidding neither.

  4. some that come to mind, but may not fit perferctly are:

    Kindgom Come. They were featured once on a metal TV show that aired on a national network...but i can't remember the name of it. anyway it was the first time i saw a drummer twirl his sticks.

    Kiss in the 80's: Barely counts, i know. I liked their songs around this time though, particularly 'Crazy Nights'.

    Celtic Frost: After reading how heavy and evil they were...imagine my surprise to get a dub copy of "cold lake" and realize they were softer than Ratt's "out of the cellar"

    220 Volt: As I've stated before, "heavy christmas" is one of my favorite tunes, it was featured in nearly every awful late 80s metal copmp i bought.

    Hanoi Rocks: Though I don't think i've heard them...if they're good enough for Fenriz to tattoo their name on himself...they must rock.

  5. wait, regarding Vinnie Vincent...his band "vinnie vincent's invasion" was slaughter, with him on guitar. they kicked him out, became slaughter, got signed etc. hey may have played on the album though (and perhaps on "fly to the angels") but i'm not sure. Also, his name is Vincent John Cusano...but Gene Simmons changed it. He hated it, and wanted his name in Kiss to be " Mick Fury". I can't believe I have this knowledge bouncing around my stupid, empty brain.

  6. The first two Skid Row albums, the first Bulletboys album, and the Vain album shit all over all of these bands profusely. Sorry.

  7. The "then and now" photos of Pretty Boy Floyd are certainly better than a recent photo of Lowbrow. Those guys aged very, very badly...

  8. hey, is that Bobby Rock douche the same Bobby Rock that was the drummer in Nelson?? :-D

    i also want to add a band i really like from the same era that noone else seem to give a shit about: TYKETTO!!

  9. I have often described the sound of Nitro as "four guys competing for 3 blowjobs."

    What about their Euro counterparts Wrathchild? They had a song called "Snack Attack" or some shit.

  10. angryburger, yes, same bobby rock! he gets around!

  11. I just came here to post about missing Tigertailz, but I see someone beat me to it. Hanoi Rocks, too. That is some top quality stuff.

    I denied all this shit for years, because I was getting in to punk/hardcore/thrash just as "Look What the Cat Dragged In" was dropped. My loss. Now I'm making up for lost time.

    I prefer the more "bubblegum party glam" bands over the bands that were just making watered down Trad albums. I still can't get into the power ballad, and those bands are notorious for that.

  12. I can't believe that you cumshots didn't mention the first Faster Pussycat album!! Bulletboys were good too, though, at the time, they were marketed pretty heavily as the next Van Halen.

  13. Mr. Big, Steelheart, Jackyl and Cinderella are also some that come to my mind.

  14. good call on jackyl, they were definitely awesome- like a redneck Kix

  15. D*A*D could fit in here somewhere although they're as glam as Ugly Kid Joe. I unashamedly love No Fuel For The Pilgrims.

  16. A friend of mine found a cassette in an old bassdrum that turned out to be isolated vocal and guitar solo tracks from "OFR". that album is pretty sweet n all, but that tape brought out the lolz in full-force.

  17. I hated glam-metal then and still avoid it whenever possible. I wasn't more-metal-than-thou (I mean, I listened to Big Country...), I just didn't like that stuff. That said, I was occasionally caught listening to the first and third Dokken records (oh the shame), but not the second or fourth ones. I have to assume if there are any others, I'm gonna hate those too.

    TNT's 'Tell No Tales' is a favorite: nice blend of leopard-print spandex, Aquanet, sugary power ballads and borderline technical thrash with ionospheric vocals. It's been on my iPod for a couple of years running.

  18. What about JUNKYARD? C'mon, that band's got Brian Baker in it, a former member of Minor Threat, Dag Nasty and is now a member of Bad Religion.
    Apparently he needed the $$$.

  19. I was never huge for glam, but I have to throw in some more love for TNT (the opening riff to "Seven Seas" still kills me) and add Black-N-Blue to the list. Their singer had enough hair to be a glam band by himself.

    And speaking of Junkyard, anybody remember Mind Funk? Shitty funk-metal band with members of M.O.D., Celtic Frost, AND straight-edgers Uniform Choice? Damn.

  20. FUCK dude, this post is awesome. Did you like Nitro's album "H.W.D.W.S."? It stands for "hot, wet, dripping with sweat" and they went ahead and used keyboards on it after they made that HUGE deal about not using keyboard on OFR.

    Anyway, I found a bag full of photos of Tuff's bass player Todd "Chase" Chaisson at the flea market one time. Seriously. You can look at them here.

  21. they went ahead and used keyboards on it after they made that HUGE deal about not using keyboard on OFR

    YES! i forgot about this detail, but it's hilarious! i remember when i got HWDWS on cassette with Skullkrusher, and we were looking at the liner notes together and we were so fucking disappointed that they used keyboards on that album.

  22. the pictures from the guy in tuff are priceless. the one of him with the tubby broad rocks. also i would pay multiple dollars to hear the OFR isolated tracks!!!
    lastly, Junkyard also featured DRI's first drummer, who also played for Death early on!

  23. Cliff - I'd not class Mind Funk as glam (though I don't think you were, to be honest...). Weren't they originally called "Mind Fuck" but had to change the name for publicity and stuff?

    I saw them waaaaaay back supporting Slayer on the Decade of Aggression tour and they fucking sucked.

    And for whoever said Faster Pussycat - good call... They were my second ever gig (a week after Alice Cooper) with Dangerous Toys and The Almighty opening for them.

    Oh, talking of Alice, he had Great White and (glam?) Britney Fox on the bill.

  24. bobby rock now drums for brett garsed, the ex guitarist for nelson. too bad with all their skill, they waste it on over the top wanking. at least they're not wearing the make up anymore.
    ugly kid joe was one notch less trailer park than jackyl.

  25. No love for Killer Dwarfs.

  26. I wanted to inform the M.I staff of the actual name for the "Ugly Kid Joe jacket." I've mainly come to know them as "Drug Rugs." Primarily worn by early '90s stoners and noveau-hippes.

    I've awful memories of these things. Guaranteed if someone was wearing this, he also had an extensive Pink Floyd album collection and one of those portable laser shows.

    How gay it is.

  27. i was trying to find a "drug rug" with the Corona logo on it, these were very popular at my high school with the kind of people you described. i looked for about 10 or 12 seconds, but gave up.

  28. Enuff Z' Nuff. More Poison than Poison. Had a great review and next best abnd by Rolling Stone magazine in the early '90's. 'Nuff said.

  29. Nuclear AbominationsSeptember 3, 2008 at 6:34 PM


    Glamsters in my city used to get beaten up every weekend by local thrashers in the early eighties. Guess they didn't get enough beating them fucking homos.

    Guess what the song "Minkions" by Bulldozer was referring to...

  30. Regarding Mind Funk: apparently, sometime after their first album, they felt they needed to go to the desert & consume enormous quantities of psychedelic drugs, after which they returned to "reality" & recorded a couple of really bad "space rock" albums. Think a "poor man's" Monster Magnet. WSOU used to play that 1st one constantly. EZO, too.

  31. Love/Hate.
    Worst band and bass player ever.

  32. Here are my honorable or dishonorable mentions. RATT, BLACK N BLUE,LA GUNS and KEEL.

    Did you guys know that Jim Gillette of NITRO is doing the MMA fight thing?

    When it is all said and done these glam bands could get you laid. Chicks really dug this shit.

  33. i think robert really struck a goldmine w/ those flea market Tuff photos :-).

    btw, i found some new Jim Gillette pictures (looking like fuckin' Tank Abbott or something) on Michael Angelo Battio's site. here's the link!


  34. I was never into Glam, but at some point in the mid-90's I used to get "Rock N Roll is gonna set the night on fire" by PBF stuck in my head constantly, and finding that LP became an obsession. I bought it, listened to the song once, and that was it - never played it again.
    What about KING KOBRA or BLUE MURDER? They both featured old Rock dudes trying to cash in on Glam.
    Saw Stephen Pearcy of RATT play a solo show a few years ago, and it ruled. Was such a good time - way more enjoyable than the real Metal shows I usually go to.

  35. When I was young I used to seek out these bands like I later did with death metal.I was into reading about all the "c" league bands in metal sludge every time I went to the grocery store with my mom. Some of my favorites that never got credit were.....
    Slik Toxik
    Dangerous Toys
    Kik Tracee
    Danger Danger
    Saigon Kick
    Britney Fox
    Every Mothers Nightmare
    My all time favorite butt rock album though is faster pussycat's wake me when it's over. I'll stand behind that album all day haha.
    the list goes on and on. there was as many of those bands then as there are shitty metalcore bands now. The guy from Firehouse comes into the record store where I work alot and I just gotta laugh.

    PS. MINDFUNK reminds me of Muthas Day Out which had a member of that beardo band RWAKE in it.

  36. Great entry! Regarding the VVI video, while that looks like Mark Slaughter in the vid (and it very well could be) he actually didn't sing on that song or the album it is from. A guy by the name of Robert Fleischman did the vocals. Mark joined VVI on their second record. I loved them both!

  37. Seriously, the third TNT album Tell no tales is absolutely incredible. It was the first record I ever had on a busted old tape back in actual 1987 and I still love it to death. The title track is straight up thrash with vocals wailing like a motherfucker.

    Their virtuoso guitarist and lead visionary Ronni Le Tekrø still rules, he hosted the Norwegian version of Rock school a few years back and it was soaked in lulz and ripe with loli, I laughed for a goddamn week.

  38. Best little known NITRO fact is the played in a bar in the porn movie cocktails rented once and watched a bunch of time best porn soundtrack ever!