What will they think of next?

I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.


I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.


So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!




The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.

Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.

On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.



Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.

To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.

Metal Inquisition is one year old!

Who would have thought that a blog which started largely as an afterthought would grow to be the behemoth Metal Inquisition has become? With over 400 posts, and a staff of 86 (plus 22 sub-contractors and consultants working at our Innovation Center), Metal Inquisition has grown to be considered an absolute authority in subjects as wide ranging as: Blue Grape Merchandise, Wigger Slam, and heavy metal real estate. Thanks to all the readers for making this possible.

At the risk of being accused of trying to rehash old content (like those Who's The Boss episodes where they would just use clips by having Tony or Mona say: "remember when..."), I urge you to go back through our early posts. While some may not be up to the standard that we are now known for, I assure you that there are some real gems in there. Back then, many posts got one or two comments, if we were lucky. I guess that's how Bill Gates feels about the days back when he only made one or two million a year.

Early on, we brought you such gems as a fat guy nearly having an aneurysm, David Vincent talking about cake and lemon pie, some sweet vocal exercises, we told you about how Glen Benton has a webcam, we discussed David Vincent's muffin top, we compared thrash revival to civil war re-enactments, we showed you Joey DeMaio wearing a man-thong, Helloween's artwork was discussed at great length. There are lots more posts worth mentioning, but you should really go back and look around for yourself.

It's been a great year. Cheers to ya'll.

Tommy Victor Disease: A Pathology

Sometime back, Metal Inquisition introduced the world to the concept of Rob Flynn's Disease. As many of you know, this severe illness has struck many aging metalers, and Metal Inquisition simply had to inform the world in order to stop the madness. For those who may have missed our ongoing coverage of this disease, here's some background information:

R.F.D. (named after Robb Flynn, previously of the band Vio-Lence, now of Machine Head) usually strikes aging, out of step metal fossils. The disease usually hits hardest when the victim was originally (and only slightly) known for being in one band which is no longer around, and more than likely played a style that has fallen out of favor with today's audiences. Though most of those who suffer from this disease are musicians who are broke and desperate, some partial mutations of the disease have also struck somewhat successful musicians such as Kerry King and Scott Ian.

Symptoms

Individuals dealing with the disease will take on certain characteristics best suited for 15 year old ravers in Kansas, in a pathetic, last ditch effort to remain somewhat relevant and "with it". Often seen as a crucial part of any last ditch effort in the musical arena, R.F.D. is often seen by those who suffer from it as a new lease on life. Think of it as the metal equivalent of automotive oil that is especially formulated for high millage cars.

As purveyors of truth in the world of metal, we felt it would be irresponsible to not fill everyone in on a recent mutation of R.F.D. That mutation, as the title of this post clearly states is: Tommy Victor Disease. Just as the lunch lady in your high school managed to make today's burgers into tomorrow's sloppy joes, so too diseases mutate and change in order to survive one more day.


Like other eponymous diseases (diseases named after the first person to have or describe the condition) such as Lou Gehring's disease and Alzheimer disease, T.V.D. (Tommy Victor Disease) can take over quickly, and render an aging rocker even more useless than he was previously.

What's the difference between RFD and TVD?
When RFD first took hold, the fashion of choice for teenage douchebags was big pants, skateboarding brand tshirts, and skate shoes. Times have changed. As such, Tommy Victor (who must be roughly 59 now) has chosen to take on the fashion choices of today's teenage douchebags. I'm talking of course, about Affliction clothing, mixed in with a little Urban Outfitters for good measure.


For Tommy Victor, it all started after Prong. I remember seeing him when he played with Danzig, parading through the audience while wearing a clear plastic shirt and rubber pants, hitting on old ladies. It all went downhill from there.

Keep in mind that although TVD is not exclusive to the east coast, residents of the New Jersey/New York area (Long Island in particular) have an acute tendency towards the disease. In most cases, TVD begins when the aging metaler starts to look to teenage members of his audience for fashion ideas. This is usually compounded with the the individual starting to look at websites like njguido.com for fashion ideas.




The evidence

Man-tits and a tight shirt meant for a 19 year old. That's a good luck for any 59 year old. You can say that the guy on the right is dressed like an aging, fat idiot...but at least his attire is age appropriate.

In a horrible nightmare that I've had many times in the last two years I find myself face to face with these two...I have a gun but only one bullet. Which one do you take out? In my dream, I always kill myself instead.

Here we see Tommy and his stylist trying to plug in the Nocturnus time machine, in order to transport Tommy back to a time when the music he made was half-way relevant.

Here's a little shopping tip...once you are twice the age and twice the weight of the people who work at Urban Outfitters, it's time to stop buying hats there. Also, I'm sure that 38 year old waitress was stoked to meet you.

Great use of the Myspace style of photography. Who says 59 year olds can't stay current? Nice lip-ring by the way, I'm sure lots of 10th graders are impressed.

Myspace photography stance again. Look at that chain. You can take the guido out of Queens, but you can't take the Queens out of the guido.

Nothing says aging guido like a good Affliction-style t-shirt.

You know you have bad fashion sense when you put on a shinny green football jersey, and most people consider it an improvement over your normal attire. This picture finally settles the argument regarding which member of Prong really pushed Blue Grape merchandise to make the famed Prong hockey jersey.