Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Inhale vs. Exhale. The metal vocal wars rage on as old men like me look on.

That's our administrative assistant Pearl to his left. The painting on the wall is a portrait of Steamhammer Records founder Helmut Fleisher


This past weekend, the annual Metal Inquistion retreat took place in an undisclosed rural location in these United States. This yearly retreat is intended as a time for Metal Inquisition staffers to reflect upon our last year of work, and it gives us time to think about the current direction of this fine online forum. During this yearly retreat, we partake in the usual team building exercises, review possible shifts in our business model and spend quality time with each other. This time away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives takes place in a setting that allows us to focus on the business at hand, with no outside interruptions (since we had no cell phone coverage), and it's also time for s about the M.I. business plan. We all sleep through his presentations, and usually only wake up when he loudly yells out "cha-ching! We're gonna' get rich from this blog bitches!" It was during this retreat, in one of those quiet moments that comes about from time to toime, that both Gene Hoglan's Balls and I finally disclosed our deepest, darkest and most depressing secret to one another. The secret?

We both have to wear doctor prescribed orthotics.




Actually, Mr. Hoglan's Balls has fantastic orthotics with an urban camo-like pattern that would be perfectly at home in the shoes of Max Cavalera. But back to the issue at hand...please don't assume that we both have funky looking feet that are misshapen. Our feet do not resemble claw hammers more than feet, so let me correct you. Our feet look just fine, thank you very much...but due to the pain that comes with old age, we were both forced into a course of action normally reserved for people twice our age. Pathetic? Sad? You bet! Why do I bring all this up? Because this should be a sign to all of our readers that we are no spring chickens. We've been around the block a time or two (or six), and that includes substantial experience in the world of metal.

So it's with that in mind that I shall now explain to you a great schism that has occurred in the world of metal. You see, like most old farts who wear orthodics I don't deal with change very well. I miss the days when hot ladies wore Forbidden shirts to shows, I miss the days when Shane Embury still weighed less than 400 pounds, I miss the days when Nocturnus and their lyrical genius was at the forefront of scientific research in time travel and black matter. But times have changed, and perhaps the biggest sign of this change can be seen in one simple but powerful aspect. Inhaling versus exhaling vocals in the general realm of metal.

I know what you're saying, you're saying "Hey old man, yeah you...with the orthotics. Quit crying about your foot pain and about metal vocals, get over it!" But I can't. For god's sake, I remember when metal vocalists used to exhale to grant us all with the thrill of great growling or, in the case of King Diamond, crying that sounded like a hyena in pain.



These damn kids with their haircuts, do they live in wind tunnel?


But times change, and these days, young kids whose haircuts seem to imply a constant and severe side, or back-wind (aka MySpace hair), are inhaling all over the place in order to sound like pigs in heat. I have no interest in the music that these vocal stylings are intended for, but I still find it annoying. "Pig squeling" is what the youngster call it. Ugh, I've never felt so old...especially within the context of a subculture that I'm semi-connected to. I guess this all has to do with metalcore and screamo and other styles of music that I would feel dirty as a result of even typing out their names.

Before you tell me I'm old and I should understand...I just told you I wear orthotics! I'm old, and don't want to understand! I had to sit in the Podiatrist's waiting room next to 80 year old women with bunions.


I know what some of you are thinking, that inhaling has been used successfully in some instances in the world of wigger slam, but I'm here to tell you that I'm not thrilled about that either! Back in my day we EXHALED our metal vocals. If this all sounds like insanity to you, please watch the videos below and tell me I'm wrong. If I am, I'll eat my orthotics and call it a day. Now, get off my lawn!
















This last one is a full lesson on how to inhale/pig squeal. Hope you have a cyanide pill handy. You may need it.

45 comments:

  1. The chick in the first movie is actually a Pig Squeal impersonater and not a wigger slam vocalist.

    I saw her on Country fried home videos.

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  2. What the hell?! I leave things for a brief while and now... inhaling? To do Pig Squeals?

    Inhaling is for one thing and one thing only. For those big bird/pterodactyl voices it might be fine... but when it comes to evil sounding vocals, that inhaling shit just ain't gonna fly.

    It's a sad state of affairs when exhaling gets shunned. Damn you, emo kids.

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  3. You think you got it bad?

    Lady's and gentlemen, I present to you the Dutch Grunting Championship 2008:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRzqSX5WzEM

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  4. Robert:
    Not Much apparently.
    (edit: impersonator)

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  5. I want to go back in time in the Nocturnus time machine and play the first video to Plato. I want him to tell me what is going on.

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  6. It'll all be fun & games until some fucker swallows their tongue.

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  7. Seeing chicks w/throat control like that makes me feel like makin' bacon.

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  8. when did "hardcore" kids get to be eyelinered/myspace-haired ladyboys?

    When did they stop being angry suburban kids/angry peurto ricans and rastafarians?

    Why do they have to fuin everything i love like grindcore and death metal?

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  9. Fuck...I'm old too (don't have orthotics yet but I did have my ass fingered at the doctors yesterday). These "inhale" videos make me want to just fucking end my life. Stupid fucking kids..

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  10. I like the video with the hillbilly screamo kid trying to pig squeal in front of the shower curtain. I bet he just got through hand releasing himself to some livestock documentary footage, or his sisters photo album.

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  11. i just want to mention that we really did have a retreat last weekend at an undisclosed rural location and that both gene hoglan's balls and lucho metales really do wear orthotics. GHB suffers from "hammer toes," i'm not sure about lucho.

    my feet are fine, but i did have a weird lump in my balls about 2 years ago. i was terrified it was cancer, naturally, but it turns out it's basically an overgrown varicose vein.

    fortunately i've avoided getting ass-fingered by the doctor so far, but i'm sure it's only a matter of time.

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  12. haha, awesome post. i remember a few years ago having a discussion with a friend about how all the metalcore/emo/whatever bands had such weak singers and we couldn't understand why they all sounded the same. eventually i learned about this inhale screaming nonsense. luckily the internet wasn't around when i was 16 or there would be videos of me and some friends trying to out-low the vocals on the first deicide tape during lunch period at school. sadly, i think of the many hours we wasted by yelling "i hate you" in a death metal voice at random passersby. and i can assure you that there were no cute chicks hanging around us like the ones making these videos. damn kids today have it so easy...

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  13. perhaps that's the saddest part. these kids may very well be douches, but at least there's girls in the mix. back in the day...not so much.

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  14. my foot issue is basically a strained, inner part of the foot
    (forget the name) due to a high arch. my feet seriously look fine, and are not weird/creepy at all (should any ladies be wondering). apparently this is something that just happens, but only starts to give you trouble with age later in life. mine came on earlier and i began to feel it due to running (not metal, i know) and it can cause heel spurs. yikes.

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  15. I can't believe I just watched four minutes of a seven and a half minute video teaching you how to scream.

    Like, I know that screaming in bands isn't easy, but it's fucking screaming. If it's not self explanatory, you're doing it wrong. I could make you an instructional video on it that would last about 10 seconds:

    "You know how you talk. Like, with your voice? Do that, but way louder and cooler sounding. Now headbang in unison with your guitar player. Now get signed to Relapse. Fucking done. Congratulations."

    It's like that George Carlin bit about "Walking Magazine."

    "Oh look, here's an article about putting one foot in front of the other."

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  16. i'm sure i'll need prescription orthotics one day. my feet are extremely flat...i can invert them both 180 degrees (not both at the same time, sadly).

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  17. those last two vids + a helping of HCwDB (thanks, sarge) is enough to dissuade anyone who thinks there's hope. i mean, just look at those two fuckers! i feel old, i feel lost... i feel homicidal! "last night in town" had some good songs on it, thanks for ruining it for me, fart-hair!

    i'm torn, though. is this how grandpas used to feel about the rolling stones, or dads when they first saw kurt cobain (which means that at 29 i'm already an old fartbag and can't deal with the change, so i should just pop that pill right now), or has this gone beyond any redeemable boundaries? 'know what i mean? i vote for the second. it's all going to shit. now, where's my backlife?

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  18. Lucho:
    "at least theres girls in the mix"

    Yeah but all the guys look more like pretty boy floyd and there in lies the rub are they all chicks? Surely there must be some kind of frog like mating trick to it, perhaps pig squealing is a sign that youve just mounted a member of the same sex. Makes me ill!!!

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  19. Air guitar
    Air drum
    Air cocksucking
    etc

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  20. I vote we send each of them a CO canister for Christmas and have them suck on that for 30 seconds... idiots.

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  21. 1. perhaps they are breeding in a frog-like manner and they are all the same gender. i will promptly seek government funding to start a study.

    2. yes, this is exactly how older people sounded when the "crazy rock n' roll music" became popular back in the day. if you find anything about those video even marginally odd, even the fact that they exist, that's a clear sign that you've disengaged from a more youthful generation. you are now left behind. and perhaps that's okay with it. along the same lines, i really hate when some people complain about how MTV doesn't play videos anymore. first, when they did play more videos they weren't great videos. second, that's because the channel is not meant for you stupid! we all have to come to terms that we're better off watching VH1 classics or something. the reason why some things seem odd or weird, or lame is because they're meant for someone younger. MTV has way higher ratings now than they ever did when they played videos, even just a few years ago. that's because that's not what younger kids want. we're old, and our demographic no longer drives most of pop culture. deal with it. personally, i'm okay with it...but i still reserve the right to complain from time to time.

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  22. the issue's a complex one. for instance, like all, i'm not really appalled by any of the past trends and find e.g. hair metallers simply amusing. but i abhor and am perplexed by these new emofags, who on some level pretty much amount to the same thing. but then again, it's never been this "bad". i mean, if these fucks were in prison, they'd be ripped by even the sturdiest of heteros. i dunno. 10-20 years from now, people might feel the same way about them as we do now about glam - dismiss 'em with a casual scoff. but i can't help but feel it's not the same thing. there's something evil, armageddon-ish about these fuckers. it's all sorts of wrong come together in a way never hitherto seen. it's beelzebub himself.

    but i'm sure my grandma felt the same way about the beatles.

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  23. Damn! I should wear those orthotics, too...

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  24. as you can tell from my goth post, i'm not opposed to myspace hair or mall metal/hardcore/punk bands. in fact, i like many of them (for example, 18 visions, cute is what we aim for, something corporate, and so forth). they're no different than we were at that age, just with different costumes.

    mostly i just think it's interesting to note, as lucho said, that i'm now an outsider looking in with mild amusement rather than a participant who takes it all really seriously like i was when i was moshing my balls off to VOD, all out war, and snapcase 10-15 years ago. i honestly have more in common with their parents than the kids in bands these days, and i'm fine with that. i don't look down on the kids at all, it's just not my thing.

    anyway, pig squeal vocals are lame and have no place in true wigger slam. real, OG wigger slammers ALWAYS EXHALE (see big chocolate's youtube videos). pig squeals are for new jacks and posers like waking the cadaver.

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  25. also, like many of us, i've been through this so many times before with other things i've been into that changed and/or got popular that it's very familiar territory. for example, skateboarding, graffiti, mixed martial arts, etc... eventually nearly all subcultures grow and no longer represent the same things they used to. people who were there at the beginning usually get upset, but what can you do? it's only hobbies, nothing worth getting upset about.

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  26. ding ding. the sarge nails it again.

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  27. Not worth getting upset about?
    Shit,man I just feel like exploding these fuckin´cocksuckers that ruin everything.Skateboarders and graffiti artists are a bunch of douches nowadays.Where´s the fucking anger and drugs and destruction?It´s all just..generic.

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  28. if these fucks were in prison, they'd be ripped by even the sturdiest of heteros.

    I don't like to play the "closet homosexual" card too often but the way you phrase that, I just have to make a mention that I know no heterosexual man that would ever, when confronted with young boys of effeminate looks proclaim "man, these dudes would get raped SO HARD in prison!".

    On the subject of being on the outside looking in on what the kids are up to today, I don't mind not being one of them one bit. What defines a child as a child is that it acts as a borderline retard adult.

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  29. Ah, these darn piglets today.
    I thought the chimpanzee calls of 'Disturbed' was annoying.
    I can't wait for the kids that think emulating whale calls and/or seals is cool.

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  30. Wait, Robert Plant and King Diamond I think already did the whale call thing.

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  31. All this oldman banter is reminding me how when my friends and I first heard Suffocation's 'Effigy...'
    "Dude! When I'm an old fart sitting on my front porch, having some lemonade, I'm gonna be blasting 'Seeds of the Suffering' at the kids."
    Seems that's already happening.

    Conversely, black metal back in 1990 was a frightening concept, now it just makes me yawn.

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  32. skid said...

    I can't wait for the kids that think emulating whale calls and/or seals is cool.

    Well...

    LINK

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  33. i'm glad you're an expert on latent homosexuality, helm.

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  34. The only thing I'm an expert on in Heavy fuckin' Metal, chris. Gimme a hug :)

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  35. hammer toes are REAL and a very common orthopedic problem that can be corrected with minor surgery or by wearing orthotics (like i do). it's more sad than painful. i feel like a 60 year old man.

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  36. "OXOX" @ helm.


    i'm doing back pain relief exercises on the regular.

    can always say i've incurred it phil anselmo-style, though.

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  37. Being older just makes you look at this differently.

    Being into metal and thrash on the 80's was a way to be individual and stand out.The majors didn't understand what was going on and didn't think there was any money in it.

    Fast forward 20 years and the music suddenly comes with a certain hairstyle, clothes and thinking. It's all about pre-packaged rebellion and fashionable trends instead the music. Majors win :)

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  38. when the dust settles it will go back to being us and devourment... 10 people at shows. cant wait.

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  39. Mike has enlightened me to the next evolutionary state of Rock; Cetacean Metal w/slight industrial processing ship percussion.
    ORCA eats wigger-slam whole.

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  40. Of course there are many fine, upstanding young people out there who manage to buck trends & represent themselves with pride, but the unfortunate truth is that a large percentage of this current generation of young people have been irrevocably faggot-ized beyond salvation. Modern marketing tactics, ADD & SSRI medications & the pervasive mugging for cell phone pics that will inevitably be posted on various "social networking" websites have led to the popularity of musical genres that are mostly gayer then ten guys blowing eleven guys. On the plus side, these emo/mallcore/eyeliner-wearing metrosexual pussies have stripped the "gayest thing ever" title away from the late 1980's cock-rockers who look like Manowar in comparison.

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  41. next week we learn how to moo like a cow, and cluck like a rooster.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yj4LnfkdJDM

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  42. the posts haven't been too metal, nor to funny of late. the topics have gotten way outta focus. hope things get back on track.

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  43. I don't give a fuck what you say, those two girls in the videos are cute. And that makes the whole horror worth it.

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