Monday, June 30, 2008

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Metal Real Estate (Part 2)

This is part two of the investigative report by Metal Inquisition about real estate in the world of metal. Part one can be found here. With all the talk of sub-prime loans on the news, we felt it was only right to investigate how real estate affects the world of metal. In our last report we looked at the homes of such luminaries as Dave Mustaine, Glenn Danzig and Jason Newsted. Today we round up a whole new group. Sadly, I was unable to get any pictures of the depressing apartments that members of Carnivore live in these days. I was also unable to find any pictures of Mortiis' castle. Still, these are pretty good. Enjoy.

Vinnie Paul

Honestly, I thought Vinnie Paul would have a nicer home. This thing looks like a collection of barns and shipping containers that were thrown into a garbage heap. Then again, what else would you expect from a fat white dude from Texas? This is in Arlington Texas (part of Dallas), where I thought you'd be able to buy something a little nicer with the insurance money you made after having your brother shot. Oh, damn. That's a joke. Too soon still? Come on. Seriously, I thought having a Pearl signature snare drum (finished in sweet snake skin) would at least buy you something that looked halfway like a house, not this pile of white trash rubble.

Geezer Butler

Okay, so this house is in Beverly Hills...but when you compare it to Ozzy's house it makes you want to cry. Poor Geezer, not only is his name "Geezer", but this is all he can afford. The poor guy toured for years with Ronnie James Dio just to save up for a down payment, and this is all he got. He probably tells people that he owns it, but doesn't live in it. "Oh, it's just an investment property." Right, sure. See that small white building in the back behind the pool? That's where he keeps a punching bag that has Ozzy's face on it. He punches it for four hours every afternoon, and then collapses in tears. He ends up in the fetal position, which is how he falls asleep every night. He then wakes up in the morning, and the same thing happens all over again.

Ronnie James Dio

Speaking of Dio, this is his modest home in Studio City, California. Yup, this is where the inventor of "throwing the horns" lives. Again, comparing this to Ozzy's house is enough to make anyone cry. For that matter, compare it to Gene Simmons' house (from the first part of this report), the other guy who also claims to have invented throwing the horns. See that white truck in front of his house? Well, Ronnie is Italian (real name Ronald Padavona), and like any real Italian he keeps a bread delivery route. Look, it's hard work, but I bet you anything that it pays way more than touring with Dio. Mortgage payments don't make themselves you know.

Mike Portnoy

You know how Dream Theater is kinda' prog, but not really? Similarly, this house is kinda' like a McMansion, but not really. It's not even big enough. Like Dream Theater's musical output, the house barely inspires a "meh" response from those that drive by. Also, it's worth mentioning that the house is in Coopersburg Pennsylvania, a suburb of Allentown. Living in a suburb of Allentown is like being a wart on a wart. Do you see the trampolin off to the left? That's where Mike Portnoy practices jumping up and down after he hears that people in countries outside the US actually care at all about Dream Theater, or his awful side projects.

More homes to come in part 3.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...

This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?

Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".

This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"

Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Merauder: Who gave these Ricans those rock guitars?

Body Count wasn't the only band smashing genre boundaries back in the 90s. Merauder, Dmize, Bulldoze, and Darkside NYC managed to combine the brainless aggression of metal and the terrifying disregard for human life of gangster rap into a delicious blend that we called hardcore. It was a little bit like my favorite Body Count song, except they were Puerto Ricans:
Here come them fuckin niggas
With their fancy cars.
Who gave them fuckin niggas
Those rock guitars?
Who let em in the club?
Did you make em pay?
Who let em on the stage?
Whose lettin em play?
Dont they know rocks just for whites
Dont they know the rules?
Those niggas are too hard core
This shit aint cool.
Those blacks want everything in the fuckin world.
That nigga plays so good,
He took my muthafuckin girl.
There goes the neighborhood
There, there, there, there goes the neighborhood.

Usually we just make fun of stuff on this blog, but in this case I'm not going to. First of all because I'm scared some DMS dude will reach out of my computer screen and hit me in the face with an eightball in a sock if I do. Second, because Merauder fucking rule and I still listen to this record all the time. It takes me back to the bad old days of the 90s when Lucho Metales and I did silly things like listen to Snapcase and 108.

That said... the video is pretty fucking funny. Watch for yourself. And when you're done, watch this infamous Agnostic Front clip.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Goretorture: The world's first Schwartzeneggar-themed grindcore band

One of my favorite films of all time is the 1985 classic "Commando," starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar. Before we go any further, please watch this legendary scene so you will be prepared for the rest of our discussion.

Now you can see why I love this film so much. You will also understand why I was so excited to discover the Finnish band Goretorture, the world's first of what will almost certainly be a host of Arnold Schwartzeneggar-themed grindcore bands!

The formula is familiar, but the execution is flawless. Like Mortician or the Meatshits, every song starts out with a lengthy sample intro, then they start blasting. Only unlike awful bands like Mortician, who force you to listen to over a minute of some girl screaming from a crappy 1970s horror movie, Goretorture treats you to quotes from the entirety of Arnold's career as an actor and politician. Listening to is like combining the delicious tastes of chocolate and peanut butter: you get the best moments from films like T2, Kindergarten Cop, Predator, and of course Commando plus the sweet sounds of generic drum machine grindcore to lull you off to the land of nod. What could be better??

What I really like about Goretorture is that they don't half ass it. Whereas other bands would wimp out by using only tiny snippets of Arnold, Goretorture gives you the whole enchilada. For example, one of their songs begins with a clip of Schwartzeneggar's California Governorship acceptance speech that goes on for a good 5 minutes. I love it! One of my favorite comedic devices is when things drag on and on and on and on and on until the audience is begging for death (see Neil Hamburger), and it is obvious that Goretorture are big fans too.

Visit Goretorture on MySpace, and more information and songs are available here. Don't miss out!! Before you check it out, though, watch this other scene from the classic film Commando:

Monday, June 23, 2008

Christian Black Metal: A Photographic Overview

If christian metal taught us anything during the 80s, it's that any musical style can be co-opted by any group in order to use it for its own purposes. Enter christian black metal. Yes, it's been going on for a while, and most of you already know about it, but I didn't find funny pictures of christian black metal bands until recently, and that's what matters. I'm not going to discuss the music that these bands play, because it's black what really matters are the pictures.

Frost Like Ashes

At first, you look at this picture and think to yourself,
"Hey, they don't look so bad. They have the black metal look down pretty well."
But then you start to see certain things. First, a Reverend Horton Heat t shirt? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that liking non-metal music is best left to musical weirdos like Cynic, who proudly stated that their favorite artist was Chick Correa in the pages of Metal Maniacs.

Even if you like Reverend Horton, don't wear a damn shirt announcing it at a metal show! Jesus (no pun intended), didn't you get the memo? I'll let the Biohazard tattoo pass, since I can tell myself that it's not for the band at all. Perhaps he's way into medical waste. Another thing, fatty really should have taken more care on how he did his make-up, half of it is on his t-shirt, and the other half went on his ear. I do have to give him props for managing to incorporate his pointy sideburns (he likes Reverend Horton Heat after all) into his make up. Lastly, is the singer seriously wearing catcher leg guards?

I don't have much to say about this last picture, except that he should consider some Crest Whitening Strips. And less ice cream cake.

Horrific Majesty

Horrific Majesty is a one-man black metal project that rocks out for the lord. Like any other self respecting one-man black metal project, Horrific Majesty has put out both black metal and atmospheric releases. It's exactly the same thing as Burzum, minus the homocide and jail time, and the satanism. Wait, was Burzum satanist, or just pagan, or was he into trolls and gnomes? I forget. Anyway.... is it just me, or is christian music basically a bizarro-world where you can do exactly what someone else has done and just make it christian? I guess no one questions the originality of the music, since the content is up their alley. But would guys in bands like this seriously claim to not be highly influenced by people who are, theologically speaking, from the wrong side of the tracks? Okay, who cares about that. Let's talk about the picture. When I think of the most evil things on earth, I always think of bird baths. The only thing more evil than bird baths, are those reflecting balls that fat white people have on their front yard throughout the midwest.


Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into "Gold Dust Woman".

Again, a bit homoerotic, and that mock turtle neck is not exactly metal. Still, they get points for having okay make-up and taking these pictures in the snow. But that mock turtle neck still bugs me, it looks like he's about to go play a round of black metal golf.

In this most recent shot we find Antestor at that most awkward point in any black metal band's existence. The band doesn't want to wear make up anymore, two guys have shaved their heads because they're was going bald, and at least one member in the band starts to throw the terms "atmospheric" and "ambient" around. As far as fashion goes, their musical conflict is clearly expressed through the choices they make. One guy wants to rock the sleeveless Diesel shirt, while another still wears leather pants. Though they may be European, they might as well be from Jersey. The end of the band is certainly near. They will break up into multiple one-man projects, I can feel it.

Fire Throne

This is perhaps the most out there example of the christian bizarro-world. A two man band named Fire Throne. Fire Throne? First, it doesn't even make sense. Second, it's kinda gutsy to call your band something so close to the name of the band that is considered to be a huge pioneer in a genre. Maybe I'll start a crappy thrash band that eventually sinks like the Titanic and call it Netallica. Nevermind that everyone has already ripped Darkthone off, or the fact that Darkthrone iteself was derivative at times, but this is just funny. For a second, I thought this was a joke band. Remember 2 Live Jews? Their album was called "As Kosher As They Want To Be" (as opposed to 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Want To Be.") I thought it was like that, but for black metal. Or perhaps like Weird Al Yankovik. Sadly, that's not the case. This band is serious. Oh and one of the band members is called Unblasphemer. Great name.

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Mortiis Video Retrospective

Metal Inquisition staffer Lucho Metales meets his hero.

I'm amazed that this blog has been going for almost six months now and we've yet to talk about Mortiis. In all honesty, I don't know much about Mortiis or his music, but his whole black metal goblin schtick is brilliant and hilarious. I don't understand why he's even still associated with the black metal scene considering he was only in Emperor for a hot minute and his musical output since then has more in common with Depeche Mode than Bathory, but that's irrelevant. Just look at the fucking guy. He looks so goddamned ridiculous. He is the embodiment of all that is great/stupid about heavy metal and since we're all about laughing at the expense of others here at Metal Inquisition I present to you my top five all time favorite Mortiis videos, in no particular order.

1. Parasite God

This video features a topless Mortiis wandering through the desert and prancing around a castle over weak techno beats. If you took the worst Ministry song and multiplied it by a thousand that's what this sounds like.

2. Mental Maelstrom (Implode)

More shitty techno, but this time Mortiis is crawling through the walls and spying on a crowd of unsuspecting partygoers. It just so happens that the hot goth chicks partying are huge Mortiis fans and they can't keep their hands off of him or his bandmates. Lots of mesh and leather and touching.

3. Decadent and Desparate

More partying. This time Mortiis is strung out on the floor of a bathroom sans makeup after presumably having shot up heroin. He then wakes up chained to the ceiling of a warehouse and proceeds to be berated by Mortiis in full makeup. But who is the real Mortiis? Very postmodern. This song sounds like Nine Inch Nails, but worse.

4. The Grudge

In this video Mortiis and his band serenade a lucky maiden trapped in a box with a white translucent sheet drapped over it. This song rocks pretty hard. It reminds me of that band Filter.

5. Marshlands

This video is very artsy. It features lots of random footage edited together and makes no sense. It could very easily have been some college student's senior project. Sadly Mortiis is nowhere to be found.

As an added bonus enjoy this interview with Mortiis from Swedish television where they discuss how he lives in a castle, eats small children for breakfast, sleeps with wolves, and has thirteen toes!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Shitty metal logos get props from the shitty design community

We all know what fags designers are, right? Fashion designers, industrial designers (I know they sound tough, but they aren't) and, of course, graphic designers. Graphic designers are the dickless shits responsible for the UPS trucks being that ugly-ass brown and for those uber-gay ipod ads. Yeah, yeah, you're cool. You know how to push a few buttons in some crappy Adobe program and you think you are better than the rest of us. I know a few graphic designers here and there and, believe me, they actually think that what they do is important. I'm not kidding. With the exception of actors, graphic designers are the most narcissistic, arrogant, big headed, proud, conceited, immodest, vain, self-important, self-satisfied, self-righteous and self-involved people in the planet. Don't believe me? Go to a bookstore and check out the graphic design section. There are hundreds and hundreds of books by designers for designers about design. They think that what they do is so vital that the world needs book after book about design. In reality, they just wanna make themselves feel better about sitting in front of an over priced ibook making pretty pictures all day.

One of these books caught my eye recently and it illustrates just how out-of-touch these black-turtleneck-wearing fags really are. The book is called "BAND ID- The Ultimate Book of Band Logos". Wow! We're lucky it's the ultimate one. See? Even in their book titles they exaggerate their importance. Anyway, this collection was put together by this dude named Bodhi Oser. He's basically a hippie looser from Venice Beach, who wouldn't last a second in a serious Biohazard pit. So, what does he know about metal? Nothing, but the combination of his ignorance and his self-righteousness make for a funny-ass book.

I know the pics are blurry and crappy, but I "borrowed" the book from this dude in my office while he was in the crapper, so I was short on time, y'know?

I can see why designers would like this logo. It's sorta symmetrical and shit, but that "L" looks like an "S" with down syndrome. I still can't get over the thought of some trendy faggy designers sitting around a conference room table discussing whether or not the Death Angel logo would "make the cut". It's just fucking preposterous.

I always loved the Anthrax logo. I'm not sure why. Maybe 'cuz it's not symmetrical, like the other thrash metal logos of the time. The Nuclear Assault logo is chuck-full-o-horribleness. I find the "E" and the double "SS" offensive on grounds of really bad typographical balance.

Emperor and their shitty logo, with skinny Ethiopian letters, can suck my balls. So can Mortiis. I'm sure he did the logo himself. God, it's as terrible as his "music". On a more positive note, Death's logo is bad-ass. Sure, the "T" is three times thicker than the rest of the letters, but it's a cross! Upside-down? Not really. It's a mystery, just like why the band started to suck shit after Leprosy. I love the Napalm Death logo, simply because it's obvious the original was rendered by a 16 year old using a ball-point pen.

Obituary and Venom are two of the radest logos in the book and they share a page! Wait, maybe the author knew something about metal after all... Nah, beginner's luck.

BARF! This whole page is shit. The Moonspell logo would be cool if the letters were fatter and more manly, but I guess that's something black metal knows nothing about, huh? My Dying Bride's logo looks like Micheal J. Fox drew it.

Cradle of Filth and Hatebreed suck, fuck'em. I probably stand alone here, but I love Pungent Stench, therefore my judgement on their logo is biased. I have the Been Caught Buttering t-shirt and I wear it all the time to this very day.

Hahaha! Overkill shares the page with a whole bunch of other shitty bands!

Morbid Angel's logo has probably won multiple awards in the design community as the shittiest logo in history. And that probably included the "logo" from "Tacos Pedrito", a tiny taqueria by my house. God, look at that "A"! It's as painful as their music! The "G" holding the pitchfork has to be the worst use of a letter form since cuneiform was invented in 3000BC.
Dark Throne's looks like it was done in ink and they left it outside when it was raining. In a Norwegian forest, of course.

I like Entombed's logo and I think Carcass' looks like a used tampon. The Chasm, Usurper and Hate Eternal's logos were designed to give Morbid Angel's a run for it's money. Congrats guys, you almost made it.

I don't know what to say about this page, other than: WTF!? Municipal Waste? I'm pretty sure Seth Putnam never thought that his retarded doodles of assholes and vaginas would end up in a book about logos. Hmmm... Nox needs to... I don't know what they need to do, but whatever it is it should be funny and make them disappear. Forever.

The only good thing about the Scorpions logo is that I could re-create it on my shitty PC as a kid by just using a pre-loaded font. Other than that this page is pretty rad. Maiden, Priest, Annihilator and Testament. Solid bands, solid logos.

If I had real testicles when I was 15, all 3 of these logos would be tattooed on my body. Thank God I didn't grow balls until I was 20! Well, I don't think the Obituary tattoo is much better.

Another 3 logos I'd tattoo on my body. The Exodus one is a little weak, 'cuz the "E" and the "S" are all slouched, but it's still pretty metal. Kreator and Destruction logos adorned every other page in my notebooks in school for years.

I'm not sure what to make of the little bat flying over the Kind Diamond logo, but other than that KD's is a classic logo and, like their music, way better than Merciful Fate's. I know I'm gonna get the typical "you don't know what you're talking about, MF rule." blabber. Save it, MF sucks.

You know what doesn't suck? Slayer logos. It's tough to judge the logo of such an awesome metal band without allowing their awesomeness get in the way of your judgement, but the sword pentagram is SO bad-ass that just drawing it makes you more metal. The newer one they used on "Seasons" sucks. It's basically a font. It's called Ironwood. It fucking sucks.

Hmmm... I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all that I'm a graphic designer

Can you think of a better band than BODY COUNT?? No.

Lucho Metales studied this photo carefully for fashion tips back in the early 90s

This article is about the band. For the number of people killed in an event, see
body count. For the game, see Operation: Body Count. For the film, see Below Utopia.


Of all the thousands of albums I've owned over the years, the zillions of hours I've spent going to shows, it is with the utmost confidence that I say the ones that involved Body Count were the best. I own all their records and I am happy to say I've seen them three times. I could literally write a twelve-volume series about how much I love Body Count, but in the interest of brevity I will simply leave you with some of my favorite Body Count moments.

1. "Strippers"
My Body Count experience are like my children: it's hard to single out just one as my favorite. But if I had to choose one child, even if it meant condemning the rest to death, it would be the incredible lyrics to "Strippers," off of "Born Dead":
A porno star, you're in 3-D,
you're right in front of me,
under the strobe lights,
moving that ass right, lap dance,
I'm 'bout to bust in my pants.
Goddamn baby, take my money,
take my life, I'll diss friends,
I'll leave my wife.
Every night I'm in the front row waitin.
Contemplating, masturbating.
Tell me what to do and it's done,
You whisper in my ear tell me
I'm the one,
last night I think I gave you 15 hun,
but as for a date, I can't get one.
I want my dick sucked.
I wanna bust a nut.
You're worse than a whore,
you won't fuck.
I wanna fuck you so damn bad
I'll give you anything you want
you can have my pad.
Girl I'll kill for you,
take my jewels, my cash.
Just put that pussy on my dick
and baby move that ass.
Your tits are so fat, I wanna
suck 'em dry
Push your clit near my face, I just
might try
Stick that ass out, stick it out baby,
you simulate your suckin my dick
drives me crazy.
I wanna ram it in your ass right now,
tonight baby I think I gave ya damn
near two thou,
you push your puss on my dick
you make my balls turn blue -
Don't make me rape you.
Now I am a huge fan of pornogrind, and I can listen to Gut, AC, Meatshits, and Cemetery Rapist without batting an eyelash, but this is a whole new level of misogyny that is shocking and more than a little bit disturbing even to someone like me that thinks "Women, Nature's Punching Bag" is hilarious. But there is something about the menacing tone of Ice-T's voice when he says "I wanna ram it in ya ass right now" that makes me say, "Ice, I can't stay mad at you!!"

2. Warped Tour 1997
The second time I saw Body Count was at Warped Tour in 1997 or something, the same one that Eminem, the Vandals and Blink-182 played. I think Skarhead also played this show. Anyhow, Ice-T played several Body Count songs in his set, and everybody booed. It was a tough crowd: a bunch of teenage punk rockers that definitely weren't trying to watch Ice, Mooseman, Beatmaster V, Ernie C and D Rock get down.

But Ice kept his cool. He said, "All y'all motherfuckers booin, you probably think Ice-T shouldn't be up on this stage. You think I don't know shit about punk rock, about heavy metal, but you know what? I did joints with motherfuckin' Slayer. I did a joint with The Exploited. So fuck you!"

And I had to hand it to the crowd, because they acknowledged that Ice had made a very convincing argument. I mean The Exploited are arguably the worst band ever to play a note of music, and Slayer has always been average at best, but he certainly established his credibility. I could see everyone kind of shrug and turn to their friends as if to say "You know, he's got a point!" And from then on, those punk-ass kids gave Ice the respect he deserved.

3. Their covers

Their first album had a legitimately sweet cover. This image was great because, along with the lyrics and music, it represented everything that scared the shit out of white people in 1991. Contrast with the famous and extremely un-intimidating image of Tupac that you can buy posters of at flea markets everywhere in which he looks like he's maybe pushing 135 soaking wet.

Now this one, I'm not sure what happened. I know that Ice was just trying to convey the unique patois of urban residents, but "Mothaf'ck'n' Dead!" feels about as authentic as "Honkey Grandma Be Trippin'."

See how the one crib looks like a coffin, and it has cobwebs on it? That's because one of the infants in this otherwise unremarkable (although poorly organized) nursery was BORN DEAD!!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Great moments in metal photography: Hellwitch

As a young kid, I was attracted to the world of metal due in large part to the dark and mysterious aura that seemed to surround it. Record covers were evil, the music was evil, and the band members were surely evil. I was not alone in believing this, since the media fully bought into it. Looking back, I don't know how anyone could have been afraid of metal, or metal band members. The photo shoot featured in this post shows just how sad metal really is. This is the real deal my friends. This is Hellwitch, and this shoot was done recently. As I've mentioned before in this blog, I used to trade videos through the mail with Pat from Hellwitch back in the day. Pat is the long haired guy in the sleeveless bodysuit. As metal as he may look, keep in mind that Pat would write me notes that went along with the videos we traded, which were written entirely in cursive. He had impeccable penmanship. Not very metal, but a nice guy for sure. Now on to the pictures, which are so amazing that I'm surprised any camera was able to capture this much metal fury.

1. Where do you even buy gloves like this? You don't normally see a guy wearing this type of thing, just sitting back so casually bathed in the radiant Florida sun. Normally, he'd be in the woods of Norway, wearing make up. But this isn't a black metal band, so he's just very casual about it, as if saying "hey, so I have a studded leather glove. It's no big thing. Relax. Let's go to the beach"

2. Out of all the medieval weapons, the mace has always captivated the minds of metal heads. Again, his casual demeanor downplays the very metal object he's holding. This is Florida, after all, and there are other things to do and places to why sweat the fact that you're chillin' on a tank holding a medieval weapon? Chill, go get a tan. Young metal kids without his pedigree would be all gung-ho about. Not this guy. He's all "step aside kids, let me show you how a real metal pro holds his medieval weapon".

3. For real, do they even sell high tops like this anymore? Maybe he stockpiled in 1989 when they stopped making them.

4. Nice N' Easy's "Deep Auburn", a favorite hair color in Florida retirement homes.
5. Throwing the horns (while wearing a glove like this) when the picture is already so metal is almost insulting. It's like a soldier spitting on the corpse of the enemy he just shot down. I mean, jesus, we get it. You're super metal, but now you're just rubbing our faces in it! You know, there is such a thing as a bad winner.

6. Tasteful case of Rob Flynn's disease. Frosted tips, sweet necklace and facial hair. The music he plays may be metal, but this guy is all about the ladies. Hence, his use of Revlon's most popular highlight/frosting kit.

7. Again, note the casual demeanor here. Yes he's holding a medieval weapon, but it ain't no thang.

8. Actually, this guy's hair is pretty rad, so I can't even make fun of it. He's wearing a Terrorizer shirt from Blue Grape merchandise he's pretty much my hero.

1. Okay, someone learned how to use Photoshop or something. Let me rephrase that, someone owns Photoshop and doesn't know how to use it yet. But that has never stopped anyone in the past. Either that, or these dudes seriously own a tank and are firing it in the middle of Florida, which is probably illegal as hell. Do the authorities know about this? They may be standing on the tank very casually but a millisecond after, I think they all fell off the tank. Why? I'm no expert, but based on the footage I've seen of tanks firing, they always seem to move back about a foot due to the sheer force of whatever they are firing. So, these guys may look pretty sweet now, but quickly after this shot was taken they all ended up on the floor looking not so metal.

2. Wait, I think they do own this tank, and ARE in fact testing its capabilities. This is proof that the authorities DO know about it. Otherwise, how can you explain a full squadron of F-16s flying overhead doing surveillance?

1. I don't have anything new to say about this guy. I just wanted to point out his frosted tips again. His fashion idol is that dude from Crazytown. I also bet you anything that this is the face he makes when he bangs his 17 year old girlfriend in his mom's trailer.

2. Have you ever felt a bag of marshmallows after they melt from being out in the sun? That's probably what this feels like. But instead of a bag, the melted marshmallows are being held in place by a sleeveless bodysuit. So it's a little bit different. But not all that different.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Robb Flynn's Disease. Before And After

Metal Inquisition once again opens its video vault, this time to reveal footage of Robb Flynn prior to contracting the very disease that would be named after him. I remember watching this footage of Vio-Lence when it first came out (1990) and thinking these guys were absolutely rad. Now I look at this footage and realize that they all look like meth dealers who were molested by their uncles. Were they sponsored by Fruit Of The Loom? What's with all the sweatpants, sweatshirts and gym socks? Jesus. Also, please note the amazing facial hair.

Anyway, please pay attention to the shy gentleman wearing the sweet Metal Church hat. That young man, the one with the quiet demeanor, is none other than Robb Flynn. Who knew that such a nice guy would go on to be such a huge douche bag. Come to think of it, as silly as the guys in Vio-Lence look in this interview...I much prefer it to what Robb has gone on to do, both musically and fashion-wise. Ah, the good old days.

Lastly, if any of you out there are in a band, it's very important that you pay close attention to this whole video. Here, the guys in the band break down how they got signed and went on sell tens of records worldwide. Apparently, doing a "demo giveaway through Mechanic" is the key to their success. This video also offers a quick primer on how to deal with the media. Apparently, you have to talk into the camera. Watch and learn.