So, are you a poser? I'm sure all you reading this will quickly answer to yourselves: NO WAY! Well, I have been asking myself that question for a few days. Ever since all the poser-talk started here on M.I.. The fact is that I don’t know what a poser is these days. I know I wasn't a poser in the old days, but I’m not so sure I’m all that brutal anymore. Maybe I need to start wearing this T-shirt, I don’t know.
Well, I decided to conduct a little mental experiment: what if my 1991-self were to visit my 2008-self in my apartment. What would the 1991-me say to 2008-me? I KNOW '91 was no poser, so I’ll trust his judgment on the poser issue. Below is the full report ‘91 would write on '08's current poser status. Please have in mind that my '91 self didn’t speak much English, so the report has been edited for clarity. Unfortunately, the report was edited by '08 and my English still sucks. I should pay attention to S.O.D.
My 1991-self writes:
"When I first walked into my future self's apartment I was thinking how cool it was that I had moved to New York in the future. I'm sure I'd met the guys from Anthrax and Overkill and hang out with them all the time. Boy, was I wrong.
Anyway, let me put this very simply: my 2008 self is a fucking poser. The sad part is that he doesn’t know it. He wasn't all poser, mind you, but he was pretty close to wearing spandex and make-up. First of all, let me describe this loser, so you guys know what I mean when I say: POSER. This idiot DOESN'T HAVE LONG HAIR! I know, it's crazy! My mom doesn't care anymore, because I don't even live with her, but my future self doesn't grow his hair long!? What else? Prepare yourself: He has BOTH ears pierced! HE'S GAY, TOO! He had no beer in the fridge, just soy milk. This fag was getting on my nerves!
Sure, he wears metal shirts once in a while (some I was wearing back in '91), but most of the time he walks out of the house wearing shirts with NO LOGOS! Nothing! Most of the shirts aren't even black! Some days he doesn’t even wear a T-shirt at all. He wears polo shirts and button-ups! He doesn't wear black high-tops anymore, much less sweet biker boots. His jeans are way to baggy and get this: No denim jacket. I asked him what he sewed all his patches onto and he said he didn't have patches!
Also, there was not ONE poster on his walls. This loser has a whole apartment and doesn't have ANY posters? No flyers? Not even a goddam band sticker on his bed. This guy is a SERIOUS poser, I'm telling you. Next, I went to his record collection. I was happy to see a hefty chunk of vinyl. Aside from a few things here and there, it was a pretty brutal bunch of wax. The tapes, he told me, were "in storage". How does he listen to them, you ask? He doesn't. He doesn't even have a tape player. Not a boombox, not a stereo, not even a cassette player in the car...NOTHING.
I guess most of those tapes I bought myself, so I concentrated on the records and CD's. I only owned a handful of CDs in '91, but I guess the format took off in the last 18 years. I was impressed with the selection of metal, I must admit. Nice picture discs, nice Anthrax collection, nice Laaz Rockit test pressing, solid death metal pieces, lots of Slayer and Maiden, too. I really liked the multiple copies of "Master of Puppets" and DRI "Crossover". A few autographed things thrown in for good measure. On CD, it was mostly death metal. Not bad, but all that was cancelled out by all the POSER shit I saw. This dicklicker had a Motley Crue gatefold record. I'm not kidding. He told me he actually likes it! He tried to get out of it by saying it was "Shout at the Devil" and not "Dr. Feelgood", but I told him: a pussy band is a pussy band, no matter what record. I also came across Doors and Pink Floyd CDs. Are you kidding me? A poser AND a hippie? A Police box-set, Jackson Five...don’t even get me started on the rap! He had way too much punk, too. Not that punk is super-poser, but dude, THAT much punk mixed into your metal is never a good thing. He’d also gotten rid of most GrindCore records, Wild Rags Records and Kraze Records releases! Those were fucking GOLD!
Well, by looking at him, I'd thought: 'poser fag.' But after looking at the record collection, I thought I should give my future self another chance. I asked him what was the latest show he'd been to. This fucking pansy told me that he'd seen a jazz band in Brooklyn last weekend! Dude, are you KIDDING me? WTF is up with jazz? Do you do aerobics, too? Fuck, if you were in Brooklyn, did you at least go to L'amours and hang out with Nuclear Assault or Whiplash? "Nah," he said "I haven't been there in years." In YEARS? Dude, if I lived in New York I’d be there EVERY DAY!
Damn, I was getting real sick of this clown and I had to get back to '91. Headbanger's Ball was about to start and I was hoping to catch the Holy Wars video. I had to get my Betamax ready to record that!
Fuck, dude! I grew-up to be a poser!”